Recollection of a Heavy Heart

DarkRes · **Joined:** Thu Dec 04, 2008 12:00 am **Posts:** 92

This takes place late, in the Gryffindor House Male Prefect Dorms.

With a firm grasp and a quick turn of a silver key, Felix locked himself in his new dorm alone. Blissful solace, he thought to himself, a much needed change of pace. He slung his leather pack around from the back of his broad shoulders, grasping at the top like a vice grip. Fishing around inside, after unlacing the straps, Felix withdrew a blank book. A casual toss soon found the pack on his bed, while both his hands and his hardened gaze remained placed on the book. Blank, page after page all blank, with silver bindings and a golden phoenix crest atop a jet black cover. He began to walk towards a desk in the corner of his room, a quill and jar of ink laid in wait. With an unstinting devotion, his eyes never left the book. Placing the book on the weathered desk, Felix settled himself into the oak chair situated in front. It made a faint creak of defiance and old age as he finally connected with base of the chair. As if his hands had melted from its previous stone like grip, Felix elegantly pinched the quill between his index finger and thumb of his left hand. Swift, but gentle, the tip of the quill was doused in ink. A subtle sigh managed to penetrate the silence encasing his lips. His fingertips fleeted, opening the book.

Page 1:

The black pits of his eyes, soulless in state gazed over the blank page. His left hand rose, bringing the quill towards the page. His darkened skin opposed the pale page; His hand promptly began to write.

“I don’t even know where to start, I never was one for writing a journal but the weight I carry has become too much to bear alone. Since the last time I was able to speak to one close enough to really care has all but disappeared from my life.”

A sombre sigh of remembrance is expired.

“So I have resorted to this, an attempt to repent or at the very least ease my mind of my sins. However, no matter how much I pray with deep regret and eager for forgiveness, my conscious remains clouded in darkness and my heart poisoned with a feeling of lead.”

A soft blink, as his scar seared up a little like fresh lit flames from the coal ashes. Felix continued to write as soon as it passed.

“I’ve considered alcoholism, a useless vice, although it’d be nice to throw my life away, I shouldn’t. Now to top it all off, I am the youngest Spanish count in history. Oh Joy. A life filled with muggle politics, running the same false charade my father did. A figurehead at best, like the queen, but with much less importance. Still I dread conversing with those people; they unequivocally hold me in high regard. So pompous and naive, I loathe them. However only due to that fact when I look at them I see my father, that arrogant whelp of a man.”

A searing rage engulfed his scar, Felix winced but continued onward.

“Nearly thinking of him brings back the pain of what he did to me, his own son. Not to mention my mother, trashing her values and crushing her dreams, only to expose himself as a wizard later on, a dark one at that.”

His right hand clenched in uproar.

“Memories of that night are ripe within my mind. He had the audacity to try and coerce me into siding with him. I could not merely throw away my moral standards. My refusal displeased the worm.”

Wincing at the memory of what he was about to write.

“Crucio. That word stings in my mind, without hesitation he threw the curse upon me. The pain was indescribable.”

His jaw line locked up tight, he gritted his teeth, almost reliving the moment.

“Instantaneously I was on the floor, writhing in pain, my arms felt stretched, shards of ice digging in my flesh, blackness crushing my hopes and faith. All this was metaphorical, I merely felt as if I was being torn limb from limb, consumed by hatred and pain. I wanted to scream out in horrified pain, but I couldn’t muster the strength. I wanted to die, nearly insane with pain, he stopped. Leaving me lying there lifeless, he assumed me to be dead or at least unconscious. That is when I summoned the strength, the courage. I lunged at him, taken him off guard. I clasped my hands around his thick neck; he dropped his wand in shock. Like demonic talons, I did not release my hold. He pleaded for me to reconsider, he tried to be suave. It sickened me, how he could be so cool and collected in a moment like this. It burned the hatred I held within me brighter. I knew I was choking him, but could not stop. He swung at my arms, trying to knock them loose, but I was much stronger. Years of sipping wine, and gallivanting around as count, did not due his body any good.”

Felix’s eyes, a gem of peerless black, oversaw his writing with no remorse.

“I felt the bones in his neck crush beneath the weight of my hands. I felt the life drain from him. But I could not stop myself there. As if I was consumed by this horrid evil, this beast within me. I began to strike him, pummelling his face with blow after blow. I mutilated him, he was no longer my father, but a barely familiar body.”

A deep sigh relapsed again from his mouth.

“The ministry kept it hush, sending me for a brief stay at Mungo’s. They were happier to be rid of a Dark wizard, then to really care. I was soon released, and left to cope on my own. A task I am apparently still doing. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror; I am repulsed at the sight of myself. I even lied to the professor I admire most, although I am sure Moody suspected my reason of absence was false or missing facts. I struggle with the monster within me; I know I am not that person. I don’t want to be that person.”

Labouring his breath, as he turned the page.

Page 2:

Biting the lower tip of his lip, Felix summoned the courage to continue writing the next painful memory

“Of course, I could tell one person of all this, the one dearest to my heart. Zoe Winters.”

His eyes closed in a state of painful remorse.

“No trial or heated temptation could waiver my love for her. Alas, by the time I returned she had moved on, I suppose her love wasn’t as strong for me, as mine was for her. However, she was not at all heartless, my tale brang her to tears for me, and she confessed with deep regret that she had broken our promise, and now she is just gone like yesterday is to today. I cannot hate her though, how could one love a monster like me? Great now I am asking this thing questions.”

He paused, and shook his head before continuing.

“Well while I am at it, how could I bring myself to hate the one person I held on too, the source of my strength, no matter what she had done? The one thing keeping me sane I suppose. It’s the fact that I was able to feel pure love, and the wrenching pain of heartbreak that makes me believe I am not such a monster.”

Pausing to rub his forehead, he sighs deep with heartache.

“I miss her terribly, even in a crowd of smiling faces I am alone. I would give up everything to see her again. I try and cope with piano, something I have acquired quite the impeccable talent for. However, I feel at peace while playing, it does not compare to the least.”

He examined his hands at this moment.

“Look at my hands, they feel stained with bloodshed, the kind refusing to be cleansed. I quote the great muggle writer Shakespeare, and his character Lady Macbeth. Out, damn'd spot! out, I say! One; two: why, then, 'tis time to do't. Hell is murky. Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our pow'r to accompt? Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him? I am driven to a point of near insanity, I feel soiled and incomplete. But alas, the memory of my beloved Zoe, however that being the only way it can ever be, keeps me momentarily sane. Perhaps one day, there will be a light out there to keep this darkness in me a bay for eternity, but at that thought, I remain a dreamer gazing into the stars like my young self.”

With a brief glance out the window and towards the night sky, Felix laid the quill down, softly collapsing the book upon itself, sealing his secrets and his memories, everlasting within.

Recollection of a Heavy Heart

Recollection of a Heavy Heart

Recollection of a Heavy Heart

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