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Where Is Dumbledore?
by Rita Skeeter

Speaking of crusty old wizards with too many galleons or too much time on their hands, where is the old wizard? Inquiring minds want to know. For exactly such a reason, I, Rita Skeeter, have been conducting my own investigation.

Flocks of disenchanted parents worrying about sudden unstable shifts of power at the school are causing raised eyebrows. Is this school really a stable environment for my precious child to learn and prosper? I think not! Or so many of our rational readers believe. The thinning numbers at Hogwarts do lead many of us to think something is dangerously awry.

Some of those students remaining at Hogwarts seem to be planning to take matters into their own hands. They can be overheard plotting their strategies in the Egyptian desert, for example, at a particular oasis they seem to frequent. Not just the dregs of Hogwarts' depraved remnants, mind you, but popular kids and prefects are in on the conspiracies. One seventh year Slytherin—recognizable to any quidditch fan—sees herself being instilled as Headmistress. Though she could hardly do worse than Minerva McGonagall, I'm sure that her new Headmaster might have something to say about that.

Other students seem quite poised to oppose them, hoping perhaps to support the more radical elements of the old guard. One boy, formerly known more for his feathery plumage than his inciting pluck, and his lovely prefect girl toy have been laying plans of their own. Our presently wingless conspirator has even been secretly meeting with one of Hogwarts' sketchiest teachers on staff—the very same staff member seen leaving Hogwarts in a frightful rush on the eve of the full moon after a falling out with Warden Snape.

What will happen next is anyone's guess. But I promise you, I will be your eyes and ears, keeping you informed.

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Obituaries

McGregor Florsheim, a reporter for another, less reputable paper, known for his zany, mad-cap, and entertainingly fictitious articles and stories was found dead this morning at his apartment. A suicide letter found on his kitchen table expressed remorse over recent unprofessional practices, which may have included the intentional exaggerations and inventions of seditiously provocative statements purportedly based on insider information from wholly invented sources.

Editor's Note: As always, in the interest of Truth and Fairness, contradictory information is welcomed. Anyone, in particular, knowing of an actual "insider" source of McGregor Florsheim may certainly contact The Daily Prophet, and receive just compensation.

"SONS OF SORCERY" ASSASSINATED?

The bodies of Jackson Harris and Arthur William Holloway, leaders of the noted "pacifistic" pureblood supremacist group the Sons of Sorcery, were discovered after an apparant struggle in the basement of a Muggle home in Northampton.

Ministry Aurors were given an anonymous tip in the dead of night and were lucky to find that the homeowners in question had been mildly sedated for the duration of what appears to have been a kidnapping gone wrong, with plans to extort ransom found on the body of Holloway.

Best guesses of MLE detectives point to vigilantism, in which an unidentified stranger broke in following the kidnapping, dueled both wizards at once, and escaped somehow unharmed with the kidnapped person in tow. The identities of both in question are currently unknown.
A black top hat was also found at the messy scene and taken away as evidence.

If any person has further information pertaining to the identity and whereabouts of the vigilante, they are encouraged to contact MLE and will be offered a substantial reward.

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Corinne Beckett - Inherited flower shop and eventually relocated to Diagon Alley.
Michael Draufy - Went to America to study native magical creatures. Still visits Anastasia.
Jade Celine - Married Peran and became a magical archaeologist.
Ana Celine - Took her revenge and vanished into the night.
Space Dog - Some say it still roams the halls of Hogwarts in search of petting.

Departing Hogwarts Head Boy Reveals All

Smith Takes First Step into Public Foray
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Hogwarts Head Boy Greg Smith tackles his own cowardice, supported by Ravenclaw girlfriend Rowan Theirin in his quest to seek enlightenment at the London Academy of Magic.

by Rita Skeeter

Dark days lie ahead for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Between scandals involving werewolves and both a Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress gone mysteriously missing in the last year, one bright spot has been Hogwarts’ shy yet heart-wrenchingly handsome Head Boy, Greg Smith. His current girlfriend, a somewhat dumpy-looking and clumsy Ravenclaw girl named, of all things, “Rowan,” describes him as “after all, absolutely brilliant.” We won’t ask after what, of course. This is a family newspaper, "after all." But that bright, brilliant spot won't last long, as Head Boy Greg Smith is leaving Hogwarts for the London Academy of Magic -- some say, as soon as this week.

The dashing Greg Smith won an opportunity of a lifetime for a Hogwarts student when he visited the Academy recently. Reports say that this chance came when Greg won a Potions contest in the Advanced Potions class of Hogwarts Headmaster and Ministry of Safety Warden Snape and run by the famously skilled Academy Professors Bendus Blott and Vincent Haegan. Greg Smith won the prize by poisoning his best friend, and, by Greg's own admission, very nearly killing the poor boy. Greg expressed no remorse for his former friend, who is no longer able to attend school. Says Haegan, “Does he have what it takes to make it at the Academy? Probably not. But anyone who would stab their best friend in the back for a chance has got to be good for some entertainment value at least, eh?”

When asked how she would cope with her boyfriend leaving her for greener pastures and brighter futures, Rowan broke down in tears. “The last two weeks while we’ve been together have been the best of my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him...he’s the only thing I have to live for!” Sources have reported that Rowan has plans to sleep on the streets of London in the hopes that she’ll have a chance to catch a glimpse of her ex-boyfriend. Greg himself admits to having taken a liking to “a number of Academy girls.”

Friends of Greg’s say he’s been “petrified” the last couple weeks, as he prepares to move to the Academy. “Oh yeah, he hasn’t even packed yet, he’s so scared they’ll tell him they don’t want him. He came back from that tour white as a sheet,” says fellow Gryffindor student Daniel Callen. When pressed about his plans for the big move, Greg blushed and refused to comment. His girlfriend stepped up and responded for him, “Oh, I’m sure we’ll manage. It’ll be difficult, but I’m really smart, so I’ll think of a plan.”

Watch out, London Academy of Magic. Hogwarts’ best and slyest star, Greg Smith, is coming for you. And boy, are you in for a treat.

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Talonen to Dedicate Groundbreaking of New Mungos Wing
by Murphy McIntosh

Hogwarts Professor Talonen is scheduled to speak at the dedication of and groundbreaking for the brand new wing at St. Mungos Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. This new wing will be aggressively focused on both the treatment of diseases and conditions which wizards and witches share with the Muggle race, and on the utilization and employment of Muggle sciences. Professor Talonen says, “This is a great honor and I am extremely pleased to be able to make this contribution to the furthering of St. Mungo's efforts for all of humankind.” Talonen is Hogwarts' professor of Transfiguration, and has been since the mysterious disappearance of previous Hogwarts Transfiguration instructor and Deputy Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall. Talonen is much beloved by Hogwarts students and staff alike. “He’s been a beacon of light in a dark time! And a magnificent instructor of Transfiguration. I’ve been honored to work alongside him!” says Hogwarts Charms instructor Professor Filius Flitwick. The groundbreaking is planned for early next week, and a public audience is welcomed—except of course for Muggles, for whom appropriate precautions will be taken.

[Observant readers would note that the masthead of the Daily Prophet newspaper now includes the tagline following the date and issue which states "Approved by the Ministry of Safety and Welfare Undersecretary of Media Integrity."]

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Saint Mungo's Bombed, Aleksanteri Talonen Dead

Recent Addition to Hogwarts Staff Killed in Terrible Accident
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Tremendous Fireball Blast at Dangerous Construction Site
of Proposed New Saint Mungo's Hospital Wing

by . staff

Yester day before, an event was held to celebrate the ground-breaking of the proposed, controversial new wing of Saint Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, which was to focus on some sort of theoretical collaboration with Muggles and Muggle healing folklore. Scheduled to speak at this event was the aged philanthropist and recent Transfiguration teacher at the beleaguered Hogwarts school of younger witches and wizards, Aleksanteri Talonen. Talonen hoped to somehow to provide all the necessary funding for this new wing, believing it was "the next natural step in our understanding of medicine and the magic of Healing," or perhaps just another feather in his cap and a sad attempt to earn another footnote in the pages of Wizarding History. Talonen was a supporter of
The Ministry of Magic and all of its official representatives.

After taking the spotlight and making sure no others shared the stage, Talonen paused in his faltering speech for a moment to receive applause from the audience. During this applause, multiple powerful blasts shook the speaking platform and knocked most in attendance to the ground. Talonen appears to have been vaporized by the blasts. Some contingents of
The Ministry of Magic and Magical Law Enforcement were on the scene immediately to restore order and contain the unruly crowd near the center of the catastrophic accident—which consisted mostly of troubled young students from Hogwarts.

Consequently, Saint Mungos Hospital was overflowing and nearly overwhelmed with patients, many of whom were in critical states. A large number of the injured were Hogwarts students, in attendance to see their controversial professor speak. These students took up an entire wing on the Fourth Floor—appropriately enough. Saint Mungo’s representatives say that the students have since returned to their school, those still injured being treated by their own resident nurse-healer, Madam Poppy Pomfrey.

The loss of such a man has. No doubt been very unfortunate to some.

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The Inside Scoop
A Regular Feature by Rita Skeeter

Was Talonen Murdered?
I find myself once again dwelling on the fate of crusty old wizards, and, not to beat a dead horse or anything, the entire event at Saint Mungo's Hospital and the strangely unsettling circumstances surrounding it must make one take pause. Indeed, I have it on good authority that there are those at the Ministry of Magic who suspect that Aleksanteri Talonen's death may not have been an accident. Many have speculated before me by pointing out the large mob of Hogwarts students down in front and center before the prattling old codger and the seeming insanity of the Magical Law Enforcement security officers who allowed them so near persons of any importance. However, as the lead investigators in the case reassure me, no Hogwarts-educated simpleton could pull off the difficult hex—if indeed it was a hex and not the accident which could almost be expected at such a dangerous construction site. Quite different is the case with current suspect number one, however. Hogwarts' own professor of charms (and hexes, need I remind you) Filius Flitwick stood directly behind the elderly Talonen, by all appearances edging him on and pushing him to the speaking platform before getting out of the immediate vicinity. Even more exciting is the fact that, as I am told by my irrefutable insider source, Magical Law Enforcement may have been tipped off to this prime suspect by one of Flitwick's own Ravenclaw prefects. More to follow! Because when I know, you, my readers, will know "the inside scoop."

What About Greg Smith?
Speaking of scoop, or should I say dish, let's not forget about our favorite beaux-on-the-go, dear readers. I took the liberty due to me as an important official of the press and once again toured the awesome new facility at The London Academy of Magic, and spotted the former Hogwarts head boy with my own bedazzling eyes. Taking my cue from, and with a nod to the illustrious Vice-Headmistress Sabine Silverhawk and her ground-breaking ground-breaking attire, I wore my new, long, pearlescent gown cut in the latest fashion, and like all the robust, young males of the Academy, Mister Smith couldn't keep his eyes off me. I should like to have asked him for another follow-up interview in private, but alas, it seems they are keeping him wonderfully busy at the Academy. He was oft surrounded by appreciative new friends and never without his own, personal guide, who I am told escorts him everywhere and even carries his things for him. But, as always, friends, stay tuned as I continue to investigate and perhaps I shall get Greg Smith to describe all of the fantastic advantages he has gained since leaving the old crumbling ruin of a school behind for good. And, lest you have any doubts, I will be sure to pump the young man for all the juiciest details about his new romance with his latest London Academy girlfriend.

Battle at London Academy of Magic

Academy Operations Ceased After Violent Confrontation
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Headmaster Dumbledore once again at Hogwarts—Revealed plans by secret collusion of Ministry of Magic and London Academy conspirators.

by Jake Johnson

Albus Dumbledore finally resurfaced last week when he returned to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry bringing news of a terrible conspiracy being orchestrated at the highest levels of Wizarding society. In response, an attack upon Hogwarts was attempted by several persons of note from The London Academy of Magic and The Ministry of Magic. Dumbledore had been developing plans for just such an eventuality during his time in exile. His subterfuge was necessitated by his being made a target by those hoping to seize control of every facet of Wizarding society, and in order to ensure the safety of Hogwarts itself as long as possible.

Dumbledore, many of his staff, and even some of his students conducted a reprisal attack on The London Academy in order to prevent the escape of Ministry and LAM conspirators, and to thwart any continuation of their plans for the subversion and corruption of Wizarding government.

Albus Dumbledore has been officially reinstated as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot and Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards. The Ministry of Magic has been restructured once more, with all of the new Ministries eliminated and former positions of authority returned to previous or new persons. Petitions have been circulated calling for the election of Dumbledore as the next Minister of Magic. However, Dumbledore himself quickly stepped forward to quell these efforts and refused the position.

Dumbledore then proceeded to provide evidence which proves former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge was acting under the Imperius Curse. Fudge is recovering at Saint Mungo's Hospital. Minister of Safety and Welfare Delores Umbridge has been deposed along with the dismantling of her entire Ministry department. Umbridge now awaits trial for her possible implication and complicity in the aforementioned conspiracy.

The Hogwarts Board of Governors has been restored, and they immediately and unanimously reaffirmed Dumbledore's reinstatement as Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

As of this writing, Magical Law Enforcement is still investigating at The London Academy, where evidence was brought to light proving the gross misconduct by teaching staff which may have included bizarre experiments, torture, and the murder of innocent wizards and witches and even Muggles. Several prominent faculty members from the London Academy are now being held by Ministry Law Enforcement at Azkaban, awaiting trial. Among them are London Academy Headmaster Moriarty Redwake, Vice Headmistress Sabine Silverhawk, and Professor of Alternative Arts Bendus Blott. The whereabouts of Professor of Tactical Combat Vincent Haegan are as of yet unknown.

Ministry of Magic Reformed

Former Restructuring of Ministries Invalidated by Wizengamot
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Along with the Ministry of Safety and Welfare and the Ministry of Education and Enlightenment, all other new Ministries have been dissolved and the Ministry's former departmental structure restored.

by Janeta Thoroughgood

At the urging of Albus Dumbledore, Alastor Moody has been appointed interim Minister of Magic by the newly reconfirmed and reconvened Wizengamot. One of Minister Moody's first official acts was to name Auror Gwendolyn Summers as the new Head of the Auror Office. Both Moody and Summers accompanied Dumbledore in the raid on the London Academy of Magic late last week.

The Wizengamot has also declared amnesty for werewolves and all Lycan concentration camps have been demolished and all detainees have been freed. Chief Warlock Albus Dumbledore has made a surprising and heartfelt plea for Goblin rights as well. After a special vote by the full Wizengamot, both werewolves and goblins are now to be given seats on the Wizengamot advisory committee.

Three Dead in London Academy Attacks
by Murphy McIntosh
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An assault last week on the London Academy of Magic left three young members of the wizarding community dead, and many more gravely injured. Ryan Easely, twelve, and Gloria Weatherby, eleven, both students at the London Academy, were killed by invading Hogwarts students in a pitched battle below the school. Investigations have shown that the two suffered from multiple direct Confringo blasts, and died on site from massive third degree burns.

Justan Blake, a prefect at the Hogwarts School, was murdered by London Academy Professor of Alternative Arts Bendus Blott. Blott was gravely injured at the scene and was later transfered to Azkaban Prison to await trial.

Outraged parents of the Academy students have demanded justice. The Wizengamot ruled in favor of amnesty yesterday for the deaths of these students, due to self defense.


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Today's Weather
by Rita Skeeter

Today it will be cloudy and boring. Tomorrow it will be rainy and boring. Friday it may be foggy, rainy, and boring. We expect record lows all next week. As a matter of fact, I expect record lows for the foreseeable and unforeseeable future.

A Letter from the Editor, Warbuckle Tidalbottom XIII

I must apologize for the recent shut-down of The Daily Prophet. Indeed, I must apologize for the abasement of quality, objective news reporting to which Daily Prophet readers have been subjected for several months now. During my forced absence, The Daily Prophet was reduced to little more than a propaganda arm for the Ministry of Safety and Welfare through the office of "media integrity." You will take me at my printed word, I trust, when I coyly confess we had our own names for that particular bureaucracy and for the incompetent fascists who staffed it.

You have no doubt noticed we no longer display, nor are we required to display, the official seal of approval from the recently-disbanded Ministry of Safety and Welfare. Additionally, perceptive readers will note that certain regular features by certain reporters who seemed to take no issue with the usurpation of the media, and indeed in some cases even thrived in the corrupted organization, are no longer being run.

We have been off the presses for nearly a week, in which time Albus Dumbledore returned to Hogwarts, revealed secret conspiracies and plots within the new Wizarding government, and personally led a strategic strike which resulted in the foiling of dark and festering plots yet unrealized. During this time a large-scale walk-out at the Ministry of Magic by Dumbledore's supporters had been kept quiet by a total shutdown of the news media, and even, gradually, of the owl post. And since all of these events, the inherent complications with such a drastic changeover in staff have kept us from publishing the paper.

No matter what the aftermath of all these events on such a behemoth scale—and I have no doubt it will be far-ranging and long-lasting—it is my humble honor and dutiful pleasure to announce we are now once again prepared to bring you the news of the Wizarding World, unspoilt by political agendas and unfettered by orchestrated lies. It is my sincere hope that my new tenure will see the return of the old readership and the old respect for The Daily Prophet.

Today's Weather
by Rita Skeeter

Today it's bloody cold and snowing. Tomorrow it will be bloody cold and raining, which is worse. Next week is going to be colder still, but probably foggy and with more rain. Brilliant. Go have fun making bloody snowmen, I'm going to stay in my hovel and freeze to death.

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"We are not bound forever to the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory."